How do you convince someone you have hurt that you aren't there to hurt them anymore?
How do you convince them you want to keep them safe and love them til the end of days?
How do you reconcile within yourself that you caused that deep wound to someone you love?

If I had any of the answers I wouldn't be
in the shape I'm in now.

So what to do what to do.
I just want her back in my life.. in my arms.. in my heart.
But I want her to be happy here. I'd die before I hurt her again.
I would literally curl up and die.
She doesn't believe that.
She is scared which is understandable.
I just wish I knew what to do.

I just wish I had an ear to turn to. I just wish I could fix everything.
Instead I sit and ponder with tears in my eyes.

I love you more than anything.
I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.
I'd carry the fires of hell for you and I wouldn't ask why.
You mean the world to me,more than the world.
I can't use words to describe the feelings I have , even with knowing parts of 7 languages.
I don't have the words. You are the only person I truly want to be around.
You are the only one who makes me happy. Yeah I said it. The guy that never wanted to be happy.
The guy who thought happiness was something people deluded themselves with, wants to be happy.

You make me happy, I just wish I could show you I want to do the same for you.
Do you want me to drop it and just be a good friend? If that's what makes you happy I'll do it.
It would hurt but I want you happy elsewhere than miserable with me.

I Love You. Ich Liebe Dich. Je T'aime. In any language I'd speak those words. I love you Miss *******.

for the foreseeable future I've put writing on hold. I've put a lot of things on hold. This one might be permanent. It might not.
Lack of inspiration is part of it.

Lack of a lot of things.


All well..


See ya around maybe

-Nurosa-

I gave my word that I would behave. I gave my word that I'd stop hurting people unless it was in self defense. Now I want to go against that. I can't of course. I'm not built that way. Especially for her. I'd move the world for her. But damn do I want to hurt him. Really Really badly.

*sighs* Whatever Shall I do? I trust her to make the right choices for her. I don't trust him to let her. I don't have the right to get involved no matter how much I love her. I don't have the right to go against my word to her.


But then again with the torn muscle/ligament in my leg It's not like I can do much anyway. Someday. I'd like to explain a few things to that jackass. Like why you shouldn't fly head first into a wall, or get thrown down a flight of stairs. But I won't. Until she tells me otherwise. I'll sit here and stew.. and rant internally. All the while looking calm and collected.

It's a scary thing at times, to have this sea of anger and rage bubbling just under the surface. It's even scarier when its completely under your control.

this isn't gonna be like the rest.
It's not gonna polished or refined.
it's just gonne be real.
It's gonna be from the heart.

It's gonna be from the soul.

I don't know why I'm telling it.
But someone needs to hear it.


It's a hard thing to admit at times.
We all need that something.. that someone.
Ya know it's a strange thing. We all know something's
not right.. something's missing.

Took me a long time to figure that out.
Hell I'm goin on three decades and I'm just starting to put things together.

Its a funny thing man. My greatest strength Is my greatest weakness.
I've got a willpower that is just damn. Cause I'm not gonna let someone anyone
tell me I can't do something. Ya know? I'm not gonna let anyone have that control
that power to decide what is possible and what is out of my reach.

We get to a point at times where we can't forgive ourselves for things
So we can't accept that anyone else could either. I know it's crazy
but we do.

I'm a good example of it. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of.
I thought that I was carrying that stuff with me. I was wrong.
It was carrying me. Making me think things.. and say things.. and do things.
I didn't want to do.. I gave that power that control away.

When I was there with that gun in my hand.. I was thinking I wasn't
playing this game anymore.. with these fucked up rules and this
crazy score keeping. Ya know. I was checking out. Didn't want to be
another crazed loon with no chance and a stat over my head.

I wasn't thinking. That shit was thinking for me. I'd just buried 3 people
very close to me in a span of about 2 months. I was 14. I'd held
two of em in my arms the night they died. One died in my arms.
The other I found beaten and battered and bloody and I broke.


That will that strength is what kept me sane true,but it also
helped me not deal with things that I should have.

Its kinda funny in a sad retrospect that It carried me 16 years and who knows
how many hurts and scars later. It's real sad that in healing those wounds
I've lost the only thing that made me able to realize what I was doing and not doing.

That stuff that carried me.. I carry it now. It works for me. Whenever someone says I can't ..
I just look back and go... oh really.. you weren't there when I did that so how do you know what I can't do now.

I carry it. It works for me. Thats a strength and a willpower you can't see. You can't feel. Unless you carry it to.

Don't let anyone tell you what the limits are. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something.

Just tell em.. you weren't there when I did this.. so you don't get to dictate my path and pace.

There is always someone around who cares. Always someone who loves you and would bleed for you. There isn't however always someone
willing to let love them. That's an important thing. When you find that. Hold on and don't let go. Cause you just might
be that someone's hope and light. Even if you can't see shit from the darkness that surrounds you.

I walked a long dark road. I walked it. It didn't walk me. took me 16 years and 2 very good friends to show me that.

Cost me 3 friends and large chunk of myself. But in the end. I'm still here I'm still walking and they can't stop me.

If you are getting to that point where you can't go on, you just can't deal. Find the help that's out there.

Don't let that shit that carries you dictate that path. You are stronger than that. You are better than that.

It don't know you. It don't feel you . It don't love you. Those of us that are here want to.

Just saying.. ya know?

It ain't always raining but that won't stop the clouds from breaking.

Basically this. Find that which makes you strong. We all have something. We all have a strength that sets us apart.

Rock with it. Roll with it. But work with it. You will be surprised what happens when you make it work for you.

Regrets..such a small word with such a large meaning.
And yet.. I can honestly say I regret 1 thing. In almost 30 years. Sounds pretty good right? I wish.

See I've never been that guy that has to be included. Never had to be the guy with people around him. Never had to be anyones guy. Never had to be the center of attention. Never had to be important. Never had to or wanted to belong. I can be in a room full of people and be alone, and it's never bugged me.
I've always been comfortable being the guy on the outside looking in, laughing at all the issues people have . You have to do what to fit it? Yeah ok.. whatever not me. You did what , to get who to like you? Whatever man.. not something I would have done..

And yet.

I've done a lot of stuff in my life I'd like to not have done. But I don't regret it. I did it for the best of reasons at the time, and in that positioning I'd do it again. But I regret one thing.. One mistake.. that is beginning to look like it will cost me the rest of my days. You see anonymous eyes I broke the heart of a woman I love. Yeah.. I said it.. Love. Something that has never been important to me and yet. My life hasn't been easy.. but then again not many can say theirs was either.. I do know that I've gone through hell to keep it. 33 broken bones 13 concussions. 5 separated shoulders. Multiple torn ligaments in my left knee and my right ankle. 2 stabbings. Been hit by 3 cars

And Yet.. I'm still here .. and I'm still moving. They told me I'd never walk again, that it would take 16 months to even get to the point where I'd ever stand up. And yet. I did it in 6 months. They told me I'd never dodge the jail term sitting over my head.. and yet.. I got time served and probation.

They told me I'd never be a football player. I was to small to play.. And yet.. I went out and set a record for most interceptions by a freshman, as well as most returns for touchdowns,and was all city Free Safety and Corner back as well as AAAA Conference Defensive player of the Year. I helped anchor a defense that gave up 12 points in our 3 playoff games. I had colleges after me with full rides after my Freshman year of High School. and yet.. I'd give it all back..

I can't lie.. I'm incapable of it. One because I couldn't fool a blind deaf man and two because I get violently ill to the point I can't stand up when I try to. And the woman I love. One of the only people in the world that I really am concerned what they think of me. She can't trust me. It's breaking the heart I never knew I had.
I'm a fairly smart guy. I can pick up things that most people won't see. I'm usually the first one to know about the change in moods in a room.. and yet.. I can't convince her that I'm not some jerk.. not some asshole who just gets his jollies by hurting people.

I'd give up every dream I've ever had. Every goal I've ever set. Every thing I've ever wanted.. to make her happy. To make her not hurt.. To make her tears and anguish stop.

and yet.. For all I can do.. I'm still powerless to do anything to help.. and it's killing me.

I'm not one to give up.. and yet.. I don't know how much more I can take..

And yet..